My Mom's first cancer treatment was March 13 and I am not 100% sure why it has taken me so long to write this post. It has all felt a little bit surreal. A bit hard to comprehend. I know the facts and I have been a part of the story since she let me feel a lump in her upper chest in late February. When I looked her in the eyes after I felt it, I think we both knew it our guts that it wasn't good. The treatment schedule, the hair loss, the pain my Mom is feeling, the deep sadness my Dad is experiencing, the desire to help my Mom but often feeling at a loss about what exactly to do...I want it to be a play that we are acting out. But it isn't, it is real and it is confusing and it hurts and it makes me question how I spend my time, what God has planned, and how we would ever survive without my Mom. I am an expert at taking one day at a time, calming the storm in my head with prayer and perspective, and keeping my focus on what is immediately in front of me. But when I pause and look beyond today, beyond holding my Mom's hand while she gets her head shaved, beyond cleaning up boxes in her house because it is something tangible I can do for her, beyond her surgery scheduled for this summer, just beyond the distractions of the day-to-day our fragility and mortality is hovering very close. It feels like a fog just outside the perimeter of the kids, work, and household chores that seeps in when I have a crack of time to contemplate the future. In my life, I have personally felt the peace that only God can provide. I am not sure that I feel it at this moment. At this point in time, my head knows that my Mom is covered in prayer and my head also knows that God loves her even more than I do, but my chest feels tight and the tears come immediately when my mind even starts to slip to any possibility other than my Mom making a full recovery. I can't even think about it.
My Mom has been so strong, at times it feels she has been divinely strong. I see her actively lifting her eyes to Jesus for strength. The truth of His love is her foundation and she consciously chooses His truth over the deceptions of this world. This is something I have seen her do before when she questioned her worth and choose to believe the Truth that she has immeasurable value even up to the point of Jesus' life sacrificed on the cross for her. I have learned from her that I am valuable no matter what mistakes I make, I have learned that a marriage is worth fighting for, I have learned that unconditional love can be painful but is always worth it, I have learned the importance of thoughtful gifts from the heart, I have learned that traditions are the glue that hold us together, I have learned that Moms are smart and capable of working hard to help provide for their families, I have learned that asking forgiveness is important, I have learned that family is forever, I have learned that back scratching and physical touch is a balm to the soul, and now she is teaching me how to handle a crisis with grace and authenticity. I wish I wasn't learning this. I wish my Mom could getting ready right now for her trip to Europe to spend time with friends and continue building her French fluency instead of buckling down for a hot summer in Dallas of pain and frustration.
I love you Mom and I am so proud of you!
The day before her chemo we planned a special day including brunch at Blue Mesa, family pictures in the park, cupcakes at our house and then my Mom and Dad spent the late afternoon with friends at the Dallas Arboretum. Thank you to Amanda Porter for the lovely photos!
